In The Metropolitan Tower (formerly Chase Tower).
The Metropolitan. Tower of the future.
The pillar of white (formerly of marble) shoots up into the dark sky of the dawn. There are two entrances to the atrium. If you go through the MAIN ENTRANCE, skip to paragraph GAMMA. If you go through the COURTYARD ENTRANCE, skip to paragraph BETA.
BETA: You slip and fall on ice. No xonuts for you this week.
GAMMA: You go through the automatic doors and notice that you are in a gigantic white atrium. Some corporate art, that looks like those little black frilly things they put on the chocolate pie at Perkins, hangs high above. Blue mood lighting ahead leads to a security desk. Escalators lead down to a lower level. To your left is the Bar Bantam, which comprises a well-stocked liquor library, a bar area, and a sea of two-seater tables. If you go to the SECURITY DESK, go watch Die Hard. If you take the ESCALATORS, go watch C.H.U.D. If you destroy the corporate art, go watch Fight Club. If you go to Bar Bantam, continue reading.
You order at the counter at this place. Dave ordered the “Crown” and a coffee. We got a blueberry coconut muffin to share. Bo had heard of a semi-secret menu item: the Kouign-Amann breakfast sandwich (“yas queen”); he ordered that and a mocha latte. The breakfast was, in toto, over $25. A little pricey, but then again, they cater mostly to the 1%-ers who live in the top floor condos of the building and who have enough spare cash to ride through the city as vigilantes by night.
The muffin was delicious and dense. The coconut was sort of toasted on the top, providing structural integrity to the item. The muffin could have been quite filling on its own, for future reference. It was a wise choice to split it; it was an equally wise choice to have a little something to snack on while we awaited our breakfast sandwiches.
There are few lessons in literature and history to consider before discussing The Crown. The Hatfields and McCoys. The Capulets and the Montagues. Globe Trotters and the Generals. In love as in war, there are winners and losers. With respect to the Crown, there are only winners. In an explosive battle of fresh cilantro versus pickled onions (which are deceptively named, as they are not overly pickeled nor overly onioned), the casualties of war are the tastebuds, begging for more. Much as a monocle adds a slight air of refinement to a gentleman’s evening ensemble, these two contrasting flavors add an air of refinement to a breakfast. Happily, the mature flavors of avocado and a delicately perfect over-medium egg (sorry Pat) chaperone the more robust flavors and ensure a perfectly balanced dining experience.
The pastries are, apparently, obtained from The Village Bakery (see related post: Vonuts). So we at the Xonuts Blog have eaten this very variety of kouign amann before. The coffee, possibly also from Village Bakery, left Dave feeling zippy, loopy, footloose, and fancy-free. The kouign-amann sandwich was an interesting blend of sweet and savory. Blog-writer Sir Rocha Says called it “yolk porn.” The over-easy egg dribbled onto the plate (on the plus side, this gave the last few pieces of pastry some much-desired cleaning-up work to do!). The bacon was perfectly prepared. Now that I’ve had the kouign-amann sandwich, and have written my name into the marble of the hallowed walls of the august kouign-amann-breakfast-sandwich-eaters-club, I don’t think I would get it again. I recommend getting it, just to experiment! Join the club. But next time, I’m getting the Crown, or maybe the Millennial Mortgage (see menu, above).
With 10 as a must-eat, this eating experience rates a 9.
Pro Tip: The carafes of water (in a bed of ice) bring the sexy back to hydration.
Don’t Miss: The kouign amann sandwich! Come on, for once in your life be adventurous!
